A joke or two

[Fishfinger]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the arse and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

[Fishfinger]

A guy goes into a club with the intention of pulling for a little one night fun. Straight away he spies a nice blonde sat on her own at a table so he joins her and starts talking.

After an hour or two of chatting he and the woman leave the club to go for a 'drive' out of town.

Out in the sticks things start to hot up and the guy slips his hand into the blondes underwear, she grabs his hand and says,

"before you go any further, there’s something I should tell you, I’m a prostitute and if you want to go all the way you'll have to pay me £25"

Disgruntled but determined to get his end away the guy pays the £25 and has some of the best sex he's had in years.

When through playing around, the two get dressed and the guy sits behind the wheel, cranks his seat back a notch or two, puts his hands behind his head and begins relaxing back.

The woman looks at him in a confused manner and prompts him to take her back to town, the man simply replies,

"Before we go any further luv', There’s something I should have told you, I'm a taxi driver and it'll be £35 to get back to town"

[Copperhead]

HAHAHA best new joke ive heard in a long time.

Good stuff chap!

[TheVerbalAssassin]

Ya, both good sutff.

[Soyuz]

LOL Great.

[Rambo_Medic]

gamer Momma joke


Your mom is like level 1 Mario, quick, easy, and requires a lot of pattern memorization.


Dont ask, I made it up very quickly

[Beyond_Valor]

The Two Cow Business Model for Governments


DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive
and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to
produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of
vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafya shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking one.

[Sargent Anderson]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving with you in the car."

[Soyuz]

NICE ONE!!!!!

Whay too funny

[Mad Monk]

Newlywed Virgin

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.

As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Maam," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, maam, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

[Copperhead]

LMFAO monk haha, too funny.

Post more hehe, more laughter is needed.

[Soyuz]

Crude humor..

BUT STILL GOOD! lol

[Deathmaker]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f..king menthol"

[maverick514]

Why do woman have periods?

They deserve them.

[[Damien]]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."


Btw Deathmaker, where abouts in Manchester are you from?

[The Master]

George W Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condoleeza: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condoleeza: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in France.
Condoleeza: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condoleeza: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condoleeza: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condoleeza: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condoleeza: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

[Mad Monk]

OMG, that was LOL-good.

[420]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Fishfinger]

It seems that the 2004 election was too close to call so Bush and Kerry
were sent to a frozen lake in northern Wisconsin to have an ice-fishing
contest.

No one was allowed to accompany them, and the guy who caught the most fish in five days would be declared president.

On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back
with 10 fish. Bush caught none.
On the second day Kerry caught 20 fish and again Bush came back empty handed.

When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and Bush still hadn't
caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.

"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.

"I hadn't thought of that," said W. "You're probably right. What do we
do?"


Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush
follow Kerry to see what he was doing....

At the end of day four Bush called Cheney and told him, "You were
right, Dick, the bastard is cheating."

"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.




"He's cutting holes in the ice!"