A joke or two

[Fishfinger]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, With a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.


Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.


'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'


'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'


'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.


"No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.



The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.


A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.


'That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?'



'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

[Fishfinger]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she
was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out ,"business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, " What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "tonto papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[Fishfinger]

HELL

The following is supposedly an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question : Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!”


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[Soyuz]

HAHAHA!!!!
Sounds so fake but really funny. The guy must have a supperb sense of humor to make that up right on the test

[Azreal]

That my friend is the funniest thing Ive heard all day...maybe even all week.

[Fishfinger]

> > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
> > >
> > > WIFE: - - - silence - - -
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Shit."

[Azreal]

Ahahahahah....thats a good one....what a dumbass

[Fishfinger]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she
had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day!

My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere!

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?

That was me."

[Fishfinger]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

[The Master]

[Fishfinger]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[Caslon]

A city fella visits a farm and the farmer takes him out to his barn.
Inside the barn he notices a pig with a peg leg.
He tries to look away but his eye keeps coming back to the pig with a wooden leg.

Finally he asks the farmer..."why does that pig have a wooden leg'?

"That's some pig" the farmer replies.

"I was out in the fields in my tractor, and the tractor overturned."
"I was pinned underneath the tractor and that pig came along and pulled
me out like he was digging for truffles". "Saved my life".
"That is amazing", said the visitor.
Farmer went on..."Me and my wife was in bed asleep when a fire broke out
in the kitchen, the flames spread all the way to our bedroom. That pig came and tapped on our bedroom window and woke us up just in time to
get out alive."

The visitor commented, "that's an amazing pig, but... why does he have a wooden leg"?

The farmer replied..."A pig that good, you eat him a little bit at a time."

[Fishfinger]

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko.

"Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled.

Jacko came running in.

"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up.

"You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C"

"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her"

"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits"

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?

Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

He who drinks Australian.........

[Fishfinger]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this

time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!

Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings

account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition

convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend

New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now, what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff,sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[grim reaper]

thats last one is teh l0lz

[grim reaper]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see
the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns
back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any
where in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting "Dopey
shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!"

[Fishfinger]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Asda when they
collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a
little anxious."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What
does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasted, and is wearing a tank top
and short shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."

[JonFrey]

Pure Gold Fish.... keep em coming....

My favorite...

"How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?

That was me."